Just Go to the Freakin’ Zoo.

I’ve been ranting about this issue to anyone that will listen for about a week now.  What surprised and irritated me was that it didn’t seem like anyone was as opinionated or concerned about it as me.  (Well, certain people know that a quick and easy way to get me fired up is to act indifferent…you know who you are…)  Anyway here we go:

Attention all delusional, lonely, attention-starved, needy, “unloved”, empty nest wackos.  Repeat after me:

NON-HUMAN PRIMATES ARE NOT PETS.

Call it what you want – monkeys, apes, chimps, lemurs, orangutans, gorillas, baby monkeys, “cute harmless animals that act just like toddlers.”  Here are a few things that the above-mentioned should not do:

1.  They should not live in your house. 

2.  They should not eat Ben and Jerry’s with you on the couch. 

3.  They should not be dressed in hoodies and jeans and pushed in a shopping cart at the grocery store. 

4.  They should not be at Sears posing for Christening photographs. 

5.  They should not sleep in bed with you. 

6.  They should not wear diapers.

7.  They should not take Zanax. 

And why not?  Because they are f*cking wild animals, that’s why.

A few months ago, there was a special on Dateline that showcased 3-4 different people who had been through a tramatic experience related to monkey children.  Whatever the sob story behind why each person chose to be mother or father or parents to a baby chimp, in every case, it ended HORRIBLY.  The gist of these scenarios went something like this:  Woman living alone raises her “son” the same way she would a human boy; feeding it at the table, putting clothes on it and changing its diaper, etc. etc.  Years down the road the thing remembers it’s an animal and scratches the living sh*t out of her face and arms and has to be killed by police.  Mangled woman sits in her living room convulsing and crying while the interviewer tries to form a dialogue with her for the story.  Come on lady, are you kidding me?  You’re making it impossible for me to feel bad for you – and I feel bad for everyone.

The situation that just happened in Stamford, CT made me wicked angry.  Believe me, I feel terrible for what happened to the woman who was brutally mauled by the chimp, whose name was Travis, by the way.  I do feel sorry for the owner only because she’s seriously pathetic and was interviewed saying how “he was all I had left” as her mother stands there in the background.  What makes this story even more ridiculous is that the woman was attacked not because she was provoking him or poking him with a stick…but because she cut her hair short and he didn’t recognize her.  That’s absolutely ridiculous and scary.

I don’t care that he was in an Old Navy commercial.  Just because a chimp is trained to jump around a set for a 20 second TV spot doesn’t mean he should be taking his own showers and logging onto a computer.  It’s dangerous. I’m no wildlife expert, but to me it seems like common sense.  At the end of the day, no matter how many pictures are taken of your baby monkey kissing and hugging you, the monkey is a wild animal, and he or she is going to turn on you.  Not only that, but since these animals are part of the same order as humans, to me it makes sense that the animal has such a keen ability to adapt and function as a human child because it’s being raised as such.  The exposure to daily human activity and learning paired with the fact that the species has similar physiological and psychological characteristics to that of a human could explain why it may seem like a perfect scenario for the nutbags who insist on raising them as children.

So please, for anyone out there who actually thinks this is a feasible idea, before you buy a one-way ticket to crazy town, let me buy you a ticket to your local zoo.

Advertisement